I can't sleep. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I have a year left before I graduate college, and I don't know how I'm going to spend it. Here at UCSD, I have two majors: Communication and Interdisciplinary Computing and the Arts (visual arts emphasis); and I am minoring in Computer Science. I am interested in technology—the history thereof as well as technical skills such as programming—and also more creative disciplines such as art and its history. I love working with people, both as part of teams and also serving outside parties. I am equally fascinated by theory and pragmatics. I absorb like a sponge and I work hard. I have no clue what I'm doing.

What turns my anxiety to anger are the people who claim to support me. "Don't worry so much, you'll figure it out. You're young. You have time. Just enjoy life." First of all, I'll be 25 in a few short months. My last year of college will be my 7th. This is undergraduate work, by the way. I agree that there's nothing wrong with taking time. Everyone has a different trajectory even if they land in the same place. But I haven't accomplished anything noteworthy (to me) in these 6 years since high school. I've been jumping between schools and majors, including accumulating $60,000 in debt at a private school that I dropped out of, living off my mom the entire time. There is nothing okay about continuing this stagnant lifestyle without planning to move on. This is what I am trying to do: I am planning. And every time I voice my concerns about my plans, people question why I'm even planning in the first place. The only people who support me don't support my adulthood. They just enable this prolonged adolescence that precludes any substance I could make of myself. Furthermore, despite what they say, I am trying to "enjoy life." I enjoy life by working hard and seeing my work pay off. That will not happen with my feet up on the coffee table. Let me repeat myself: I enjoy working hard and seeing my work pay off. I have been working hard academically for several years now, and the payoff (besides a diploma, which I am genuinely excited for) is a job. But as soon as I plan for this, I'm "worrying." I don't much think trying to figure out how I'll work after school is a trivial worry. It's a legitimate concern many times over for the reasons I have already mentioned. I am not going to wait until the day the bills show up to prove that.

So what is it that I could do after graduation? For several years off and on, I have considered working in the video game industry. More specifically, I have studied game art. Right now I am working on a game with some friends that we hope to publish by October. I have taken this project to be a sort of test for myself: if this proves to be enjoyable, productive, and lucrative, I will very much consider working as an artist next year. But as it stands now, misery is gradually creeping up. Stress is coursing through my veins. Like I said, I cannot sleep. It is normal for me to excuse the final pieces I produce. I don't like my art; I paint for the act of painting, not any end result. But lately, I've even been upset by painting itself. No drop of paint happens the way I want it to. What's coming out of my hands is uninspiring and, more importantly, it's not doing the job. It just looks like, and feels like, I am trying to do something I am not cut out for. I still feel like art is a great hobby of mine, and I will continue to practice it on a regular basis. But after this project is over, I don't know that I will want to continue art at a professional level.

My backup plan (which was my main plan when I first arrived at UCSD) is to move to LA and get an internship at my favorite television studio, G4. I have felt like working in game journalism would be fulfilling in ways that I seek on a regular basis anyway. I am in this community all the time. Games, art, technology, this is what I breathe every day of my life. Learning and talking about it, teaching other people what's new, what I think, sparking discussions, contributing to a field I love—this is how I envision a career in journalism to be like. However, I tried my hand at this my first year at UCSD. I wrote for The Guardian and had the worst time trying to change my voice into something appropriate for that publication. I was not the best writer and I knew this, so I tried my best to take direction and write in an entertaining but informative way. It was like pulling teeth that weren't there. This is one reason I am worried about this path. Also, I'm not too keen on the part about moving up to LA with little more than an idea. I would try and intern at this place before I graduate, but even then nothing's a sure bet. Furthermore, moving to LA brings up so many dreams from my past about becoming an actor and comedian, things that I am not convinced will ever come true. I would love to be the person that can just drop everything logical to follow dreams, and if fact I did that before. I tried, I gave it my all. And when I did this, majoring in theatre out of high school, I ended up having a nervous breakdown when I realized it just wasn't for me. It was horrible, scarring realization. I felt like I was breaking up with a significant other. And now, 6 years later, long after getting over the experience, that jerk is calling me. I will say I am a different person than I was back then. I'm much more honest and comfortable in my own skin. Unfortunately, Hollywood doesn't appreciate such authenticity. Even if it did, I'm still pretty self-conscious about all my skills. Going through the aforementioned cliche artist's turmoil is not helping the matter.

Sometimes I wish I was involved in an atrocity. Like a robbery, or earthquake, or something horrible where I could be a hero and save the day and make money off of interviews talking about the greatness of this one thing I did. It wouldn't require an esteemed personality trait on my part or a drive that I sustain with hard work. Just a quick few minutes. Or I could be shot in the head and put into a coma, or lose my legs under a large piece of rubble, or something to that effect. Not death; I don't want to die. I just want someone to make a decision for me. Either way, heroism or tragedy, some other force would be guiding my fate. Not me. I can't even decide what to eat for lunch every day. How do I know what to do with my life?